sometimes

Sometimes, being a good person sucks. Sometimes you just want to do the wrong thing so bad you can taste it and it hurts to not do it. They try to tell you that being good feels good. That it's so rewarding to be kind and nice and help other people feel good that you'll forget your own troubles and bask in the glow of God's love and be perfectly content. Well, they lied. Sure it can be nice to help someone. But sometimes it just sucks beyond belief. There are the times when you bust ass to help someone and they don't even bother to thank you, or worse they just ask you what else you can do for them. Then there are the times when you've busted ass helping someone and never asked for anything in return but always kind of assumed that the people you helped would be there for you when you needed them. Only when you actually did need them they just disappeared on you and you realized that all they ever saw in you was a sucker. But the worst is when you do something for someone and they never even know it. When you put aside what you want because you know it's not yours to have and you just walk away from your dreams or desires or hopes. And no one knows or cares. They're off happy in their own little bubble of joy while you feel your insides dying and you KNOW that you could have had what you wanted. You know that it could have been you in that bubble of joy except for the fact that you're trying to do the right thing. And some days, I'm just not sure it's worth it.