Button Gear

Caly and I have decided that we should start a company called Button Gear that has button-themed cleaning and organizing supplies. That way people could say, "I need to get my Button Gear and start cleaning the living room."

Zoe's engagement

This week, Zoe came home from Kindergarten with some news. She's getting married! Last week she met Jacob, her best friend's cousin. Apparently he fell madly in love with her at first site and has already proposed. She said yes. They've decided to wait for the actual wedding until they are grown-ups. For now she's happy just having a boyfriend. She says that when she thinks about him, her eyes sparkle. She's already kissed him (on the mouth!) and is planning to give him a naked barbie as a gift because she thinks it's fun how naked barbies make the boys at school so upset. She's very excited about giving him the gift and says that she's sure he'll be terrified. Wow. Only five and already she knows that having your fiance terified of what you might do is a good thing.

All two of me.

The other day was trash day. For me it's not a big event, but Zoe really likes it. What she likes is that after our trash is picked up, she can take the empty trash can back to the house. Our driveway is about a tenth of a mile long. Zoe loves to walk up from the road to the house and she loves it even more when she can drag the empty trash can with her. It has wheels so it's not too difficult, even on the gravel. But it gives her a big feeling of accomplishment.

This time, we had a lot of trash. We used all three trash cans. So after I'd picked up the kids from school I stopped at the bottom of our driveway and let Caly, Zoe, and Quinn out of the car so they could walk up the drive. Caly and Zoe both carried trash cans. Zoe raced ahead so that she could lead the way. I opened the window of my car so that I could hold on to the handle of the third can a carry it up the house as I drove. I let the kids walk up first, then I drove the van up. When I got out, Zoe asked me if she'd earned extra allowance. I said I thought that all three of them had because they'd all three worked hard. She said, "Well all two of me did, but I was in front so I should get extra."

I can't argue with that!

I never thought I would say this

...but I've become addicted to a car show. Yes, a car show. Meaning a show where the hosts test drive new cars and tell you how they perform.

I know. You think I've gone insane. But it's a really, really, REALLY good show. It's a british show called Top Gear and Scott started watching it a few months ago. Now we're all hooked and can't stop watching all the old episodes. Yes, I know. That's even crazier. It's bad enough to watch a show where they test drive new cars. Now I'm watching them test drive old cars?

But you should watch this show. It's SO not what you would think. They test the cars in the funniest ways. Like when they tested the Ford Fiesta and asked, "What if I go to a shopping centre and get chased by baddies in a corvette?" or when they tested The Lotus Exige against the missile locking capabilities of an Apache helicopter.

They've had buses jumping motor cycles (instead of the other way around), crossed the English Channel in cars that they (sort of) made amphibious, and added rockets to a car and sent it down an olympic ski jump ramp. They also race cars against things like trains, bobsledders, french skiers, boats, and once they raced a dog sled team to the north pole.

It's crazy and funny and usually has everyone in the house laughing until our ribs hurt. Even Zoe likes it, although I'm half afraid for her to watch. She's only 5 but she has big ambitions when it comes to driving. So there it is. I like a car show. Who'd have thunk it?

The elusive Dr. Lisc

I write lists. I could tell you that I developed the habit to help combat the confusion of having four kids around. But in all honesty my mom says I've done it since I learned how to write. It's a good thing, though. I have an awful memory for the mundane details of life like getting milk at the store or remembering to change the sheets regularly. Writing lists of what I need to do, need to buy, need to remember... that keeps me on track. And it keeps me from being an incessant nag. I just write down what I need the kids to do and they're in charge of getting it done. But there is one thing that has been on the list for about 7 months. Dr. Lisc.

Last summer, Zaven turned 16. So I added an item to our family to-do list. Get him a driver's license. Only I always misspell license. I spell it liscense. And when I wrote it down on the list I abbreviated it Dr. Lisc. Caly promptly asked, "Who's Doctor Lisc and why do we need to see him?" And so began the search for the elusive Dr. Lisc.

During the summer months, Zaven was away at Upward Bound. No opportunity to even study for his permit.

Once he was home we kept forgetting to stop in at the courthouse to pick up a manual. But after several weeks we remembered. Only guess what? They don't print driver's manuals any more. You have to download them from the internet. And it turns out that they're a bit thicker than I remembered. The document is about 130 pages long. Printing out 130 pages is out of my budget. So Zaven would need to read it online. The job off capturing Dr. Lisc just got a lot more complicated. We have one computer in our home, several people who want to use it, and only a small window of time that Zaven has free in a typical week. He's on a swim team, in an art club, takes music lessons, etc. Add to that the fact that when you put a teenaged boy in front of a computer, studying for a test, even a driving test, isn't what he has in mind. So the simple job of reading and studying a short manual ended up taking about 3 months. And we began to refer to Dr. Lisc as 'The Elusive Dr. Lisc.'

But eventually Zaven did study the manual and was finally ready to take the written test. Only Dr. Lisc had other plans in mind. First we found out that the courthouse in never open when he's out of school and not in an afterschool activity. In fact, the courthouse in our town doesn't administer the test, so he'd be going to the next town over. So even if he left school and went directly to the courthouse he wouldn't get there before they closed. And going to get your permit is not an excused school excuse. So we waited for a day when he had a dental appointment so he would already be out of school with an excused absence. Then we went to the courthouse... only to find that you can only take the permit test from 8-10:30 AM on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Dr. Lisc slips out of our grasp yet again. He's wily, that Dr. Lisc.

The dentist told Zaven he'd chipped a filling and would need to come back in to have it repaired. He also needed to get an appointment with an oral surgeon to see about taking out his wisdom teeth. I set the filling repair up for the next Friday so that he could also take his permit test while he was out of school. We double checked to make sure he had his social security card, birth certificate, letter from the school, etc. Then we headed to the courthouse. He made it as far as the eye exam. Due to his poor vision in one eye (from a cataract when he was 5), he would need to have a form filled out by an eye doctor before he could take the permit test. They assured us that his vision was good enough for him to get a license as long as he had all the mirrors on his car. But he had to have that form filled out first. I was beginning to hate Dr. Lisc.

Our usual eye doctor didn't have any openings for a month. I called around and found one who could see him in a week, also on a Friday, but in the afternoon. The hunt was back on. Dr. Lisc could evade us for only so long. Realizing that it would be too late in the day to make it to the courthouse before 10:30 after the eye appointment, I called the oral surgeon and set up Zaven's initial consultation for the following Monday morning. If all went according to plan, Zaven would get his eye doctor forms filled out Friday, and still have an excused absence Monday morning that we could use as a cover to stop by the courthouse and finally capture Dr. Lisc.

The eye appointment went well. And it turns out that Zaven's prescription has changed. He will be able to pick up his new glasses Monday after school. Oh, and by the way, he would need to have those new glasses with him when he took his permit test. It says so in the small print on the form they wanted his eye doctor to fill out. So even though he'll have an excused absence on Monday morning, he won't be able to take the test until Wednesday morning (not open Tuesday, remember?) and he won't have an excuse to miss school then. And the school office staff is beginning to realize that Zaven is out of school a lot. They're giving me suspicious looks these days. And I've run out of legitimate excuses to check him out. He's already been to the dentist twice, the oral surgeon, and the eye doctor.

The elusive Dr. Lisc has escaped yet again, and I'm not sure how we'll manage to capture him. But I'm now muttering lines from Moby Dick about stabbing at him from Hell's Heart, so giving up is not an option. Currently I'm thinking we'll fake a case of Meningitis or Malaria or something and try it again on Wednesday. But one way or another, Dr. Lisc is going down.

My minions

Caly recently started calling Zoe her minion. I always thought of a minion as the follower to an evil leader, but when I looked it up for her, this is what I found:

minion  /ˈmɪnyən/ –noun

1. a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.
2. a favored or highly regarded person.
3. a minor official.
4. dainty; elegant; trim; pretty.
5. a dependent
6. a darling

Word Origin & History

minion
1501, "a favorite; a darling; a low dependant; one who pleases rather than benefits" [Johnson], from M.Fr. mignon "a favorite, darling" (n.), also "dainty, pleasing, favorite" (adj.), from O.Fr. mignot, perhaps of Celt. origin (cf. O.Ir. min "tender, soft"), or from O.H.G. minnja, minna "love, memory." Used without disparaging overtones 16c.-17c.

What does this mean to me? Well... it looks like I can honestly claim to have minions. At least four of them, anyway. I've always wanted minions.

My son the stunt man.

When Caly got home from her trip, she wanted to try out the new features of the bunk bed that we'd added while she was out of town. She hadn't seen the bucket so she immediately climbed up in the top bunk to pull something up. Quinn climbed up with her and then started trying to climb up on the rails so he could jump down on the mattress. Caly told he NO, and he started fussing and said, "He hit me! Quinn hit me!" He learned to say that a few months ago because when Zoe would say it, she'd get attention. So he told Caly that Quinn had hit him. She said, "Really?" as if it were a real possibility. And he proceeded to demonstrate. He threw a punch (closed fist) at his own chin, but stunt man style, just missing it... and yelled "Whoa!" and fell down on a pile of pillows as if it had really knocked him down. It was hillarious. He's such a ham.

This is not how I feel. It's just funny.

CONGRESS VOTES TO OUTSOURCE PRESIDENCY

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
Washington, DC -- July 23, 2009

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also record deficit expenditures and related overhead that the office has incurred during the last decade.

It is anticipated that $27 billion can be saved by the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated an un-named Congressman. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of budget shortfalls."

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the U.S. and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as our previous president seems to have not been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush had used them successfully for years with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $415 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to the poor economy. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands and his enthusiastic smile.

-----author unknown

The zoo, the science museum, and Michael Phelps

Sorry not to write for so long. We went out of town for a few days to pick up Caly from her trip to Alabama. We stopped at the zoo on the way there and got to actually see a few more of the animals this trip. We also went to the Northwest Georgia Science Museum, which I enjoyed very much. I don't have zoo pictures, since we left the camera in the car, but I do have some great pictures from the museum.

































And what does Michael Phelps have to do with any of this? Nothing, except that during the drive I read a magazine article about the safety of public pools. It was focused on the risks of contaminated water and it said, "Even Michael Phelps admitted to having urinated in a pool during an interview." Which could mean that he admitted it during an interview, or that he was interviewed in a pool and peeed during the interview. And when we picked Caly up, she told us that while they were watching TV they'd left the subtitles on because her cousin had an ear infection. And the subway commercial with Michael Phelps has the funniest subtitles. Apparently Sly and the Family Stone are singing, "I justwana thank U firlettinme be mice elf agin."

Zoe with a violent E.

For Zoe's 5th birthday, she decided to mark the occasion by changing the way her name is pronounced. It used to be pronounced with both vowels long. Now only the O is pronounced. Caly asked if it was still spelled the same way, or was spelled Zo. She told us that it's still spelled Z-O-E. But the E is violent.

..............................................................................................................

Here are the zoo pictures. We had a great time even though we didn't really see many animals. We went to the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee and they have a marvelous play area. We hung out there for a few hour and only saw the animals adjacent the that. But we went ahead and bought a year-long membership so we'll be back to see the others.

My how she has grown! She wasn't even one when this picture was taken.

P.S. As soon as we got home we read "If I Ran The Zoo" by Dr. Seuss and then she wanted to play Putt Putt Saves the Zoo on the computer. If you haven't played any of the Putt Putt games, you should try them. They're so much fun for little kids. Plus I just love the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo song. I can't get it out of my head today.

How to get better customer service.

Bad Math? Or Miracle Toilet Paper?

I have math issues. And I feel the need to blog about them. Sorry, but I need to.

Let's start with some basics.

Just say I had 10 books.
What if you had 4 times as many books as I had? You'd have 40 books.
And what if you had "4 times more" than I had? You'd have 40 books MORE than me. So you'd have 50 books.

Are you following me so far?

Now what if you had "4 times less" than I had? Technically, there's no such thing as 4 times less. But what if there was? Well that would be 40 LESS than I had. If I had 10, you'd have negative 30 books. Maybe your best friend borrowed 30 books from the you? I have no idea. But mathematically, if you had 4 times less than 10, you'd have -30. "4x less than..." is not the same as "one-fourth of..." Four times less than a positive number is always a number less than zero.

So when Charmin's new ad says that if you use Charmin, you'll use "4x less" vs. the leading discount brand of toilet paper, do they really mean that if I buy Charmin I will use a negative number of sheets of toilet paper? I'll be able to not just use less toilet paper... I'll be able to make toilet paper? Because I'm having a little trouble believing that once I switch to Charmin I'll start magically shitting out clean sheets of toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom.

13 o'clock

This is what my house looked like yesterday at 13 o'clock. They had a great time and I don't even have good pictures of everything. The smoke coming out of the volcano cake was much more impressive in person, and I didn't get any pictures of them making the t-shirts. They also made oobleck but it's not impressive at all in pictures. I should have shot some video but it's hard to remember things like that when you're dodging shaving cream.

Zoe's pictures

Several months ago, Zoe and I had a fight. She'd woken up early and tried to get me to get up and turn on the TV. I was sick and told her to go back to bed. She didn't and she ended up hitting me in the face to try to wake me up. I woke up very, very pissed and I spanked her and yelled at her. I hardly ever do either but I was not a happy person at that moment. Anyhow she ran off crying and yelling and stomped up the stairs. She came back a few minutes later with two pictures. "This is you! This is what you did to me!" she yelled as she held up this picture.



Then she held up the second picture. "This is me! This is how you made me feel!"


I took one look at that angry uni-brow she gave me and wanted to laugh. But I didn't. It was funny, but I was really impressed at how well she expressed her emotions. I hugged her and we talked for a while about why I'd been so angry. Then she left the room and went back upstair. A few minutes later she came back with the pictures. On the back of each picture she'd drawn a new picture. "This is you. I love you."



"This is me. And this is how I feel now."

Mayhem

Today was crazy. Not one single thing went as planned. We went out of town last night. We'd spent the night at my MIL's, planning on having breakfast with my parents this morning since yesterday was my mom's birthday. But my mom was sick and cancelled on us. While we were there, Scott decided to drive to the next town past that to buy a part for his tractor. He called the store to make sure they were open, drove an hour to get there, and got there with a half hour to spare. Except they'd decided to close early. He drove to two other places that were supposed to be open and carry the part. One was out of business. The other closed 10 minutes before he got there.

Meanwhile, my MIL decided to try to talk me into doing stuff I didn't want to. She started by trying to get me to agree to help her can beans this summer. I declined but she started pressuring me. I finally explained that the reason I don't grow a garden is that I don't want to work in a garden and I don't want to can vegetables. She still tried to talk me into it, but I was firm. So then a few minutes later I noticed Zaven was looking through her tools and asked why. He said she'd asked him to find her screwdriver so she could take the storm window off of her big picture window and clean between the panes. Ummm... this is a huge picture window made of untempered glass. She's disabled with a bad back and very unsteady balance. And we've already told her that as soon as Scott gets back we're leaving town. I told him to tell her no because it was a bad idea and this wasn't a good time. I heard him tell her no. Then I went to talk to her and explain that she needed to get help for that. She told me that she had help. I asked who. She said that I would be helping her. No. I told her I would not be helping. She needed 2 or 3 people and besides, we were getting ready to leave. Then I went and sat down. But the next thing I know she's got Zaven outside unscrewing the frame. I didn't say or do a thing. I just sat there watching and waiting for it to fall down. Just then Scott drove up and told her the same thing I had. We were leaving and it was a job for at least 2 people in good health. Besides, it was painted shut. If she'd bothered to look between the panes she'd see that it didn't need cleaning. She finally backed down. She asked that the next time we were in town we'd help take it down since the paint on the wooden frame of the actual window was starting to peel. She didn't want to wait until the wood was rotten to deal with it. We agreed. We would have agreed to that all along. We just didn't want to start a big project completely unprepared and in a hurry.

Then we went home. Zaven is having a party in a few weeks so we really needed to clean house. There was a lot to do and not much time. So of course things went wrong. First, Scott had to drive to the next town over from ours to meet a computer specialist. Just after he left, Zaven started cooking dinner. And he promptly stabbed his left hand with a knife. Hard. Blood was just pouring out of it. So I wrapped it in a towel, had him apply direct pressure, and we headed outside so I could drive him to the emergency room. I wasn't too worried about him bleeding but I thought he might had hit a tendon or might need a stitch. And I was worried about the fact that he'd been cutting raw meat. The knife went through raw sausage and into his hand. So I wanted to see if we could talk a doctor into giving him antibiotics.

But when we got outside, my car was gone. Scott's was there, but no keys. So back inside, and I tried to call Scott. No answer. I left a message to call me back right away. Then I called 911. I figured they could send an ambulance to check it out and see if it needed further treatment. So we're waiting around for them when Scott calls. Caly tells him Zaven cut his hand and we're waiting for an ambulance. He swears and says he'll be right home and hangs up before Caly can tell him that all we need to know is where his keys are because it's not that bad. And then he skipped meeting the computer specialist and instead drove home at an insane speed. He got here just before the ambulance. Zaven was fine, of course. Scott drove him to the emergency room. They debated giving him a stitch or not but Scott asked them to try it with just a butterfly first. And then he didn't insist on getting an antibiotic. I have no idea why. What were they thinking? Raw meat is not exactly germ-free.

Just after they got home from the ER, we broke Quinn's dresser. It has a changing table built into the top. It has safety hinges and it opens and closes so that when it's shut, it just looks like a dresser drawer. But Quinn wedged something into the hinge and when Caly opened it, it would open. She tried to force it when it didn't move freely. It broke. Since it was very worn out and had been made of particle board, we decided to just go ahead and trash it. I took all Quinn's clothes out and put them in a set of plastic drawers I'd bought last week at goodwill. Then we took the dresser outside and broke it apart with a sledge hammer (which Zaven and Caly really enjoyed) and then took the pieces to our burning pit. The minute I lit it on fire it started raining heavily and put the fire out.

Then we tried to calm Quinn down. He did NOT like seeing his dresser being taken outside. Scott finally got him to sleep, but every time we tried to lay him down he woke up screaming. Finally we just let him try to cry it out. He calmed down but didn't go back to sleep. A half-hour later when we tried to put Zoe to bed we found that Quinn had peed his diaper so full that it leaked. And he'd been sitting in Zoe's bed when he did it. Oh, and he'd found the bag balm we use as a diaper cream and put most of it in his hair.

So the best part of the day (a day we desperately needed if we're going to get the house ready for a party) was spent basically doing nothing but trying to keep ahead of the mayhem.

But hey, nobody died and we didn't burn down the house (knock on wood). Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The money making scheme.

Zoe has been talking about imaginary friends lately. And she uses that term. It's all very clinical. I'm going to Grandma's house. I have my cloe (singular of clothes), my shoes, and I'm going to loan you five of my imaginary friends while I'm gone so you don't miss me. You should loan me five of yours. I'll give them back when I get home. And all this talk of imaginary friends reminded me of the greatest thing my progeny have ever done and will ever do. Yes, I know they might grow up to cure cancer or win the Nobel Peace Prize, but none of that can come close to what Zaven did when he was 4. You see, he used to have imaginary friends back then. But one day he decided he didn't need them any more. So he sold them. For cash. Real, bankable, non-imaginary cash.

It all started with an e-mail. He sat in my lap one day and dictated an e-mail he wanted me to send to Grandma. He told her how, now that he was getting older and getting ready to go to Kindergarten instead of Preschool, he wouldn't have as much time to play with his invisible baby dinosaurs as he used to. So he had decided to sell them. Would she like to buy one? Well it's his Grandma. Of course she replied to that. She sent back that she was interested. How much was he charging.

But before we could reply, we got a second e-mail from Grandma's BFF. Grandma had forwarded Zaven's e-mail to her, saying that she hoped he wouldn't charge much because she loved that he was selling them and she wanted to buy one. BFF reported that Grandma would be willing to pay up to $5 per invisible baby dinosaur and she wanted him to know so that he wouldn't fall for it when Grandma tried to low-ball him. So he replied to Grandma that he was charging $5 per dino, and that the money had to be real money. Grandma bought two. So did an aunt. Then Zaven dictated an e-mail to the BFF. To thank her for her help he'd decided to give her an invisible baby dinosaur of her own. However, one baby dinosaur all by itself would get bored while you were at work and would tear up your home. He advised her to get another so that it would have a friend to keep it company. Oh, and BTW, he had some for sale at $5 a piece.

So Zaven ended up with $25 cash. I ended up in complete awe of him. (I did NOT coach him on any of this. He thought it all up on his own.) And his imaginary friends all found good homes.

So now that the economy is tanking and Scott's job is not likely to be there in a few months, I'm thinking that this might be my new money making scheme. I could sell invisible baby dinosaurs on Ebay. Heck, I'd even give Zaven a small cut for coming up with the idea.

So do any of you guys happen to need an invisible friend?

Children at night

About 9:30 pm all hell broke loose over here. Nothing much was wrong. They just all fell apart. Caly gave Zoe a pink princess mirror just before she (Caly) headed to bed. And Zaven just disappeared. No goodnight, no nothing. He just saw the storm coming and got the hell out of Dodge and went to bed. Then Zoe and Quinn started screaming. Quinn was screaming because it was bedtime. Zoe was screaming because in her enthusiasm to not sleep, not cooperate, and not be in her own bed, she put the mirror on my bed, then got in my bed and stood on it. It broke, of course. She wasn't hurt, but she was soooo upset. And thus began the screaming. Somehow I got them both in their room, in their beds, and I started singing very softly. After a while, they got tired of screaming and settled in a bit. Zoe fell asleep first. And Quinn just kept saying, "Children at night. Children at night."

Step 1.

So I've been reading up on how people make money from blogging. Not doing all out research, but kinda reading up. And it seems to me that you make money by being a popular blog with a lot of followers. So step 1 should be to become popular. And how does a blog become popular? Well, it varies. But the general consensus is that popular blogs provide followers with something they want to read. That seems simple enough. I could do that. So here are some things you may want to read:

Wow! You look so young and thin! Have you lost weight? Those pants make your ass look hot! Have I mentioned that I'm hiring? I am! I need someone to taste-test chocolate. Because this is such an important job, I'm paying in the six-figure range. Upper six-figure. If you have previous experience in tasting chocolate I could probably manage to bump it up to seven figures. Plus there are perks. We provide insurance, free babysitting and housecleaning services, and a company car. But your husband will not be allowed to drive the car. Sorry, we just can't allow it. He'll have to drive your old minivan. And sorry to say, the company car is not big enough for kids. Sportscars are so small. You will have to be able to travel. We'll need you to attend chocolate shows in Paris and Hawaii, plus travel to resorts all over the world to promote our chocolate. Of course we'll cover all your travel expenses. Are you interested?

How to spend money.

I've been spending a lot of my time thinking about money. Specifically, how to save it. I read articles in magazines, blogs, and even entire books about how I can save money. It's good information and very helpful. I've saved bunches and bunches of money by following some good advice. But I noticed that for all that helpful information about how to save money, no one is giving helpful information about how to spend money. Well, maybe they think they are because they do tell me how to spend it buying 47 tubes of toothpaste for $3. But I don't really think that counts as spending money well. It has no zest to it. And then there are the sites that tell me to spend $4,329 on a sweater. But not only is $4,329 is too much to spend on a sweater, it's a boring way to waste your money. So just to fill in the gaps in your budget and to meet a need not currently being met on the internet, here is a list of some interesting ways to spend your money.

1. Buy 1,347 plastic flamingos and redecorate your yard.

2. Fly to India to ask the Dish Network customer service guy if he wants to take it outside.

3. Take your 4 year old daughter to Toys R Us and tell her she can only buy the pink toys.

4. Go to the pet store and buy all the animals, then take them to your subdivision and release them into the wild.

5. Buy Seth Green's dream stereo from The Italian Job (with speakers so loud they blow women's clothes off). It should work on men too, right?

6. Hire a contractor to work on your house and pay him at his standard hourly rate until the job is done right. (Oh wait, that isn't fun. It's just expensive.)

7. Pay someone to paint the outside of your house to look like a giant alligator is coiled around it.

8. Buy all the condoms and lube at your local Wal-mart and while you're in line turn to the person behind you and say, "It's gonna be a long night."

OK, that's all I can think of for now, but I hope it inspires you to enjoy your money a bit more than normal in the future. I consider it my gift to the world.

Alas!

Zoe just tripped and fell. It wasn't a bad fall. She wasn't hurt and didn't even cry. She just shouted, "Princess down! Princess down! Somebody save me!"